Just a bunch of random mumbo-jumbo about my life, relationships, and thoughts on things going on at the moment. If you stumble across this site, please feel free to message me on my guestbook or feel free to add me on any of my other networking sites listed below.:)
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|Posted by Darryl Jay Underwood on October 10, 2013 at 11:55 PM||comments (0)|
Okay...so first blog in I don't know, like two years? Alrighty, we're doing this. But where to begin? It's not like I can just pick up exactly where I left off...I don't even feel like the same person anymore. And by the way, I completely feel like I have no idea how to even write a coherent sentence anymore so hopefully this doesn't end up looking like it was written by a twelve year-old. But now that we have all established that I am in fact still alive and junk, I feel that it is best not to blabber on and on about what happened two years ago for me to get to where I am today but instead I guess I'll just talk about the present. However, this blog is an introduction to what is to come because I still do have two years of crazy to let loose onto this little blog...I apologize in advance (well not really).
Yes, the ever so important “now” as I am FINALLY starting to figure out. I have heard it said so many times in the past, “Darryl, you have got to just let things happen. Live in the now,” and quite frankly, I have never even begun to understand that until this point in my life. I have always been the type to plan every miniscule detail of my life down to how my eyelashes curl. It's taken a lot of time, fuck-ups, and a few really bad relationships to really just be like, “Look bitch...YOU CAN'T CONTROL EVERYTHING!!!” So now I'm pretty content with just loosening up the grip a little bit and just going with it. Learning that if something is meant to be, it will happen without any great deal of force and stress on my part. All I need is the desire and drive to want it to happen and to intervene when necessary.
Now, I am 22...college is on hiatus, my finances are a mess, and my love life has literally driven me from therapy to literally not giving a flying fuck anymore, life is believe it or not, good. Work is stressful at times because of the people I deal with but not so much the workload or hours so that's good. At the moment, I am an hourly manager at a chain restaurant so that's a pretty nice step up from being the unemployed, to Wal-Mart worker, and hotel receptionist that you're used to reading about on here. The infamous Q, who I have spent countless upon countless hours gushing and ranting about is no longer a significant strain or romantic interest in my life and I have finally conquered the agonizing fear that I would never develop into the healthy social being that I so craved to become when I first moved back to Birmingham. I have actually acquired many meaningful relationships with all sorts of interesting people in the past few years thanks to my job which is probably the biggest milestone for me at this age. Yay, for not being socially retarded!
I will admit that I am a bit discombobulated at the moment...fireball whiskey, the fact that it's 3:30AM and also I still don't know where to start pouring the drama left over from the past 28 months of my life (wow when you break it down into months it really doesn't seem like such a long time o.0) so I think I'm going to update the blog with different topics that I will dwell deeper on so it's easier to understand...and write. But as a quick refresher as to what's kind of going on in my life at the moment, I guess this has served it's purpose. Besides, at the end of the day, the only person I'm trying to impress with this blog is the future version of myself who will one day look back on these little journal entries, smirk, and reminisce on how far I've actually come from this. It get's better than this...I am still quite the pessimist yet I know it does.
More to come,
|Posted by Darryl Jay Underwood on June 30, 2011 at 1:39 AM||comments (0)|
Love. Love is so...ugh. Love is too difficult. Too one sided sometimes. It's painful. The most complicated, simple concept ever. These are the thoughts I've been having lately. As I mentioned in my last blog a week ago, Q and I broke up yet again. I didn't get into the details last week so I'll explain now. We actually broke up briefly back in late November but got back together shortly after New Year’s...and were living together again by mid-January. The rush in moving back in together was mainly due to my living situation with my father. I couldn't take it there anymore so Q offered my spot in the apartment back. Things were good for a while, although I noticed his moods getting worse due to his clinical depression. There would be days he wouldn't speak to me. I didn't know what to say or how to really deal with that so I simply didn't. I just slipped back into old habits of pretending everything is ok and going through the motions. It was frustrating...we were both frustrated at times. And it strained us. One random Sunday in mid-May, I invited Q over to my job to talk and he decided that a relationship was just too much for him to deal with because he doesn't want to try anymore. He said that he was not in love with me and he wasn't sure if he was capable of loving me because he wasn't sure that he was capable of loving anything including himself. Instead of giving the best "I'm here for you no matter what" speech at the time I was taken aback and just fucking angry at him. The break up felt like it came out of absolutely nowhere and he was just so calm with it...as if he had given up a long time ago. Instead of being devastated at that moment I decided to try my best to just move on until I can move out in August. Tried investing my emotions in other people so I wouldn't have to deal with them but when that didn't work it was like my heart was ripped out of my chest. It was like I was sitting down one day and all of a sudden the reality of my failed relationship hit me as hard as a sack of bricks to my face. I felt inadequate and unloved. I felt like I didn't deserve happiness and for a second I think I wanted to die. Q didn't comfort me...he left me a sobbing mess to be with somebody else. I was hurting more than I have ever hurt before in my life.
Days later, we began talking again. Just friendly chit-chat...then there was a drunken night of sex and mixed signals and I swore it was the best sex we had ever had. In my mind there was no way he could have given me all that he had given me that night without some feelings for me. However, a day or two later he turned cold and unforgiving. His mood changed and I decided then to tell him how much I loved him and that I would never leave him because of his depression. He wasn't responsive and when I asked him why, he simply looked at me...his eyes were filling with tears and he said that it was because of me. He said that it was my fault that he was depressed and felt the way that he did. With that he left me again...sitting in the room crying and hurting.
The next day I demanded an apology from him because of the hurtful comment he had made, and he did half-heartedly. It was that day that I decided to move on and just leave him alone. My own mental health was at stake. The thought of him was starting to give me panic attacks. I felt anxious whenever he was around me because I didn't know what to say or how to make him feel any different about me. Then I felt even more anxious when he was away because I was wishing he was home with me even if he was just ignoring me. So I told him I was moving on, and he said we could talk about it later. So the next day he was off work and I decided to tag along with him to the Laundromat just to get some time in with him and talk about what I had decided. He left his phone on the window seal to charge so I sneakily went up to it and checked his text messages. That was a mistake. I found that he had been talking very sexually to some guy named Miguel and that he was hanging out with him. I couldn't understand why he couldn't hang out with me...why he could feel and emotional connection with me? After all I was under the impression that he broke up with me because he wasn't capable of these feelings with anybody yet he has at least on some level an emotional connection this Miguel. The feeling I got at that point was as if I had literally walked in on him and Miguel actually having sex. I felt betrayed and extremely hurt. I brought up Miguel calmly and he wasn't even that angry that I went through this phone and found out. But he did tell me that he does not love me and NEVER WILL. He said that he didn't love me as a person or a lover and that contradicts something he used to tell me...even when we broke up. He told me that he would ALWAYS love me...and now a few weeks later he doesn't love me at all? We talked a lot about how we felt in the relationship and came to terms with a lot of things. We finished our laundry and I went to bed. When I woke up he was gone. I saw him briefly before I went to work and we were still on ok talking terms.
Two days later I decided to give it one last shot. I was still hurt and anxious and everything in my body told me not to give up. I had to do something, anything that would possibly get him to understand that I didn't want to lose him. So, I wrote him a letter. A sincere and honest to God letter about if he felt anything for me. If he thought that there was even a spark of anything at all left for me, I would try my best to give him as much space and time to figure it all out. Because I love him. I don't NEED him in order for me to get by or survive. But I do feel a need to love him. It feels like it's out of my control sometimes....I feel like I'm not supposed to give up on him. I told him that I would let him do whatever he needed to do to overcome his depression but still let me stay in the picture even if it's at a distance. I told him that I would not bring the letter up and that he would have to be the first to make any kind of decision about it when he was ready to talk. I honestly don't care if we don't label each other as "boyfriend" or if he sleeps around. It just doesn't matter to me at this point. I cheated on him and that took a huge toll on him mentally...I don't deserve for this to be easy, but I do deserve him. I made a mistake. An awful mistake, but I am paying for it. And I'm trying....I'm trying so hard!
Since I wrote that letter, we have not talked about it, but we have spent a lot of time together the past few days. We talk and laugh like we used to. We have even had sex twice this week! Great sex and today we had sex and there wasn't even much alcohol involved. I'm not trying to convince myself that this means that he loves me, but he isn't deliberately trying to push me away anymore, and that in itself is some kind of progress. Nothing is exactly clear right now, but he is being nice to me at the time being and I'm loving it. Hopefully it means that there is hope that we will get through this hard patch as a couple and be happy in the future. I'm not being overly optimistic but all I can do at this point is hope that things come through alright. Hopefully he will overcome his depression much sooner than later, and be happy again...maybe even with me at his side. I love everything about this man. His laugh, his pride, his strength, and his love when he can give it. Marilyn Monroe said that "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." With that being said, I feel like I'm trying so hard to see him through his troubles and be there on the other side when things are better. I have faith that if I just keep my head above water, I'll keep breathing.
|Posted by Darryl Jay Underwood on June 25, 2011 at 12:13 AM||comments (0)|
Today I felt really low...dealing with giving my boyfriend or I guess ex-boyfriend space. The tricky part is that we live together. Anyway, I promised him space but I feel like I'm having a panic attack everytime I'm around him. I'm having nightmares about him, I'm so stressed. Today, I couldn't break down because he was in the other room. So I started typing myself a note in Microsoft Word. I just let my encouraging thoughts (to myself) just flow. When I finished the note and actually read what I had written it almost looked kind of poetic. Just wanted to post what I wrote:
I can do this.
I am strong.
I don’t need him. I want him. I want him to want me.
More importantly I want him to be happy.
He can do whatever it is that will make him happy.
I can handle anything because I am strong and I love him.
I will see myself through this.
I am worth it.
I am good enough.
I can be a better person.
Change is possible.
I can handle this.
I can do this.
|Posted by Darryl Jay Underwood on May 13, 2011 at 7:09 AM||comments (0)|
Okay, so I realize it has been months since I have posted and even longer since I've had anything positive to say! Well I'm here and I'm well. I've been terribly busy though lately. I finally got a full time job that allows me to work over 40 hours a week and still go to school and do homework WHILE I'M AT WORK! But of course everything has a drawback...the job is the graveyard shift from 11PM until 7AM so my sleep schedule is completely fugged up. But like I said, I get all the hours I need, the pay is a little better than at my last job at Wal-Mart, and I can do my homework and study (or whatever else I want to do) at work and I'm not under any supervision. In case you are wondering where exactly this gold mine is, it's actually at a hotel. Yup. One of the best ideas I have ever had....*knocks on wood*
Other than that, let's see, me and my "ex" boyfriend, Q (the source of the like three or four depressing blogs under this one) are back together. Our love for each other might not have really gone away, but neither has his clinical depression. Every day is a struggle for him. Most of the time he says that he is "numb" both physically and mentally and as a result he is pretty much emotionless. It's like he doesn't have a soul or something. He is indifferent about most of the things I say to him, and sometimes he doesn't respond at all. It's not a joyous or giddy relationship anymore...and his ill moods often muck up my own disposition. I can come home from class happy as a fat bitch in a bakery and then just from being around him, the skies turn gray and I am compelled to sing a melancholy rendition of "Tomorrow" from Little Orphan Annie. I'm trying to be a faithful and attentive boyfriend, but it's hard. We rarely even have sex anymore. He probably looks at that as being my fault, but to me, if he isn't emotionally available for me, I can't be sexually available for him. But he is in therapy and his therapist is still deciding on whether or not he will put Q on medication. I really wish that quack would hurry up and prescribe him something already! How long do you have to see somebody mope around like a zombie before you do something about it!?! Ugh.
Other than that I guess I have been suffering with my own emotional issues. I'm not depressed, but I am analyzing why it is so hard for me to make a connection with other people. I transferred from Troy University which was in my comfort zone considering all of the people I knew there to an even bigger University. The University of Alabama at Birmingham has so many more students than Troy and I haven't made a SINGLE FRIEND! I've been here for two semesters and the most that has happened is I've hung out with this rich kid a few times before he eventually just stopped contacting me. Why aren't I approachable to people? I'm open minded and just as friendly as the next person....I just can't figure out why I haven't made any new connections while living in the biggest city in the state....and the sick part is I GREW UP HERE!! I don't know what this says about me but it seems that all of the gay guys that I had amiable relationships with were the ones I also had a sexual history with. Why is it that I can't just have a friend...who I have never slept with? Maybe I need therapy just as badly as Q...haha. Well I'll just keep posting those CL ads and weeding out the sickos who reply...
Until next time (whenever the hell that will be)
|Posted by Darryl Jay Underwood on December 29, 2010 at 8:57 AM||comments (0)|
So it's been a month today since Q broke up with me. We still not on talking terms for the most part. He needs space and I really try to respect that. I swear to God that I do. It's just so HARD. Tell me, how do you go from talking to someone every single day for the past year and on top of that seeing their face everyday for the past six months and going from that to absolutely nothing! This is apparently a lot easier for him as it doesn't seem to eat away from him as it does me. Every time I think of him my heart breaks a little. But really...I'm trying the best I can.
On the week of Christmas I asked him if he wanted to see me on Christmas day and he told me that he didn't. I respected the fact that maybe he didn't want to see anybody because Christmas marks the day he proposed to his ex boyfriend who past away from cancer. If I remember correctly, that was his last Christmas. So I understand how he feels. I did buy him a small present and left it in his mailbox just to show that I was thinking of him. He seemed to appreciate it and he even told me that he loved me. Things were looking up that day.
A couple of days after Christmas I decided to muster up some confidence and ask him if he wanted to make hang out on New Years. No talking about getting back together or relationship issues or anything. I just wanted to see him. He shot me down and complained that I never let him call the shots to our delicate situation...which is true and I agreed to back off. It hurt though because since we have broken up we have made contact maybe four times and I initiated ALL of them. He doesn't check in on me he doesn't ask me if I'm okay...if I don't contact him, then I don't hear from him. He says that he needs to get his shit together and I try to understand that. But anyway...after shooting me down about New Years he said that he would call me when he was sure he was ready. Just hearing that he WOULD CALL kind of lifted my spirits up a little and that was enough for me.
NOW things went horribly wrong as of last night. I made a complete idiot of myself. I was browsing his facebook (as I seem to do ever 15 minutes these days) when noticed that he had added a new friend. An Asian guy named Hongdo or something along those lines. I noticed they were enrolled in the same college but I wasn't sure the context of their relationship. This probably does NOT help my case, but I started to die for answers. I noticed on my ex's wall that they had been communicating. From what I gathered, this guy is apparently a new friend and they meet up. My chest was pounding for knowledge of what was going on! So I did the only think I knew what to do...I messaged the guy and pretty much interrogated him. To make a long story short I found out that they just met and apparently had some long talk and the Hongdo guy likes him. That killed me. The messages started pouring in to my ex about what his own intentions are and my feelings and how confused and hurt I am about this relationship. I wish I would have never saw his profile to begin with...I was NOT ready to accept that guys will be going after my ex. And perhaps my ex would be interested. Just because I decided to turn down guys and sex until I know what's going to happen with us, doesn't mean he has to...or even wants to. I am normally not this emotional about things like this but I am a wreck. I love him so much and I feel as if I have lost him. I hate this desperate, nagging feeling that I RUINED MY RELATIONSHIP AND THIS IS MY PUNISHMENT. If there are any sensible people out there with some sound advice....feel free. Comment on this!!
Confused and Humiliated,